Does Sorry Cut it?

I have been pondering something lately. I know it might seem trivial, and even silly to question the intentions of someone when they apologize to you for wrong that they have done to you, but I can’t help but wonder if sorry can really cut it in this case. What does sorry mean by definition?  Sorry means having feelings of  distress, especially through sympathy about someone else’s misfortune. I was under the impression we apologize as a way to acknowledge that our actions were wrong. We acknowledge that we have cause harm or distress to someone. Forgiveness is the other person’s prerogative.

It seems like people my age think that if they say sorry that automatically means that whatever they did is null and void. That because I accepted the word sorry as a way for you to make nice that, that in turn makes whatever you did to me okay, and not a big deal anymore. That’s not true, it is a big deal and it does not make what happened okay. 

It made me wonder if the word sorry was enough. I have never put much stock into the words of others I put more stock into their actions. Some things have not been adding up for me. Because if someone is really sorry their actions will tell you so, not the words they speak to you to make themselves feel better for doing something wrong.

Sorry in this case, I don’t think cuts it for me.


Love is Louder

You can ask us not to pray, but we will. You can say that religion is to blame, but it is not. You can preach that we are the cause of this hate because our faith has blinded us, but it is not so. Faith is meant to be a beacon of hope, a light in the darkness that our world so often faces. I have seen many posts about the Orlando massacre asking people not to pray, but to take action. Maybe I do not understand this because I am a person of faith, and for me prayer is a powerful thing. Prayer is the most concentrated of thought, and when prayer is turned into action, and people come together no force on earth or otherwise can hope to stop it.

I have lived through tragedy. I have seen what prayer can do for people first hand. It is true that maybe in some way Religion has caused this atrocity, but I would argue that the person that did this does not know that my savior lives. They do not live like Christ, and they do not understand that Christ is LOVE. I understand that people want to turn away and condemn religion for this, but it was not God that did this, it was man. Being Human means that there is good and evil in all of us. The parts that we choose to act on are what set us apart from one another.

If you are a hateful and angry person you will bring your hate and anger to religion, and if you are a kind and loving person you will bring that to your religion. Religion has played a part in many horrifying acts throughout history, but not because of Religion. Religion it-self is just a practice of love, good works, and obedience no matter what faith base you practice many of the core concepts are the same. People are what matters. People change one another. People make war with one another, not religion. We do not always have to agree with one another on these matters, but we do have to love one another. Even if you are not religious I do not understand why you would not want a person of faith standing beside you sharing your grief and your pain. We feel it just as you do. It is what makes all of us at our core human.

Here is my thing, if you want to preach love and tolerance for all then maybe instead of condemning religious people for this, you should take our hand and let us walk this path with you. Don’t condemn us for living our lives the way that crazed lunatic condemned the people in Orlando for living theirs. Don’t shut us out because you are in pain. My savior died on the cross for ALL of us, not just for the conservative elite. I know that these things don’t make sense, and I know that the LGBTQ community is hurting.  I want you to know that I am with you and yes I will pray for you, but if you think that is all I am going to do then you are dead wrong. After all the pen has always been mightier than the sword.



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Crossroads and Coffee

crossroadsAt many points in our life we come to a crossroad. These can be the best and also the scariest times in our lives. In some ways how we handle them can make or break us as people. I am in this phase of constant panic. I have been job hunting since February, but with very little to no pay off. I know that I do not yet have my degree in hand, but this has not seemed to be an issue for other people trying to find a job. However, many of my peers have decided to stay in Iowa and live close to family. I thought about that for a long time until I realized that I need to go out into the world on my own and figure out who I am and what I want. That’s why I’m making the decision to move out of state for a few years, but this has also made finding a job that much harder.

I’m worried about not finding a job and letting down my family and friends. I know I have a lot to offer the world, but finding where I fit in has always been difficult for me. I remember once being told that high school is the best years of your life, but in reality college is. At least college was the best years so far for me. I was finally in an environment where my personality was appreciated, and it was at UNI that I was finally able to thrive. I have made so many friends at UNI, and I am going to miss every single one of them. It is hard to imagine what my life is going to be like in a year because this is such a huge step for me, but I am so beyond ready to take it.

Recently though my future has seemed really uncertain. It is unnerving to not have a job secured yet, and to be graduating in three weeks. It kind of blows my mind that I have come this far and I have accomplished so much in only four years. I thought in high school the time went by fast, but I feel like in college I blinked and it was over. It did not come without up and downs and the loss of friends, but it did come with lessons and growth in ways that I never imagined I would receive. I did my fair share of learning, praying, and my fair share of understanding that sometimes life is hard for no reason at all, it just is.

I don’t have all the answers and I guess it’s for that reason that the future is always so uncertain. I am ready to graduate and move on to something bigger and better. I am ready to have a regular sleep schedule, and maybe then I will be able to put down the coffee once in awhile. I am ready to hit the ground running and get something amazing out of my life. It seems impossible to be this close and still feel this far away. I know these last three weeks are going to be ones that I cherish as well as the ones that I curse. All in all it has been an amazing ride, and even if I am at a crossroads right now, eventually I will find my path. The future is terrifying, but with love and support I know that I can accomplish anything I set my mind to.

I Don’t!

Does anyone else think that finding true love in college is a bunch of bs?! No, just me? I have put a lot of thought into this, and with engagement season just around the corner I thought it might be time to vent my grievances with those happy couples that post about how special their significant other is. Don’t get me wrong I’m sure your sweetie really is the bestest pooky bear on the planet, but forgive me if I am cynical I think valentines day and even just relationships on social media in general are ridiculous. If you are in a relationship good for you I am proud that you have enough gumption at our age to take care of yourself and an adult man child. Some of us like myself are bad at multitasking so forgive me if I won’t be dating anyone anytime soon.

I’m in my final semester at college and the only thing that I have really learned about relationships in college at this point is it’s a lot like being under house arrest. You can’t go anywhere or do anything without your significant other texting you or calling you or reminding you to stay safe babe, translation: don’t talk to other men while I am not with you because you are my world. Please, don’t make me vomit. “Hill, do you have a boyfriend?” No, I don’t.

One might argue that I am cynical because I have been single for far too long. Truthfully you may be right, but then again I haven’t really found anyone worthy to date. I think dating should be taken seriously I’m not one to just be in a relationship for shits and gigs. It’s unfair to the person that wants to actually put something into the relationship and trust me when I say I just don’t have that kind of time. “But, Hill, you should at least see what’s out there and explore your surroundings.” In response to that I can tell you I won’t.

I think I have seen and dealt with quite enough to last a life time at this point. The old saying you have to kiss a few frogs before you meet your prince is hilarious to me. I’d rather kiss a frog than deal with a pampered pretty boy who probably still has frequent phone calls with mommy asking when he should be home for her to do his laundry. As adorable as I find that scenario it just doesn’t seem like one that I would want to be apart of. What can I say I don’t need or want anyone to give me that kind of moral support. I am doing quite well on my own thanks and I have for twenty one years. While I would love to be able to hold your hand and walk you through the necessary steps to becoming husband material I can tell you now I do not have that kind of time. You see I am most likely busy brushing my hair or something else that is way more important than training you for some other woman to enjoy. So sorry I can’t.

So ladies in response to thinking that you are going to for sure find your future husband in college I can tell you with certainty that chances are you won’t. If it gets to the point where a guy pressures you in anyway let him know that he can’t and if you think that falling in love with someone this young seems like a good idea… don’t. I now pronounce you single for life.

It’s Only a Dream

I saw you again last night. I know it was only a dream, but I really wish that it would have been real. Then I would not have to feel pain when I wake up in the morning. I would not have to remember that day. I would have you to call when I want to talk about boys, and I would be able to get your advice on finals.

I did not want to wake up today because I wanted to hold your hand for a little longer and tell you about all of the things going on in my life. I did not want to wake up because I would have to say farewell again and once was truly enough to last a lifetime. I never thought that my life would be the way it is now. In fact if someone told me this is how it would all go down four years ago I would have told them they were crazy.

It’s only a dream you smiling at me and wishing that you did not have to go.  I know this to be true because I saw your coffin. I know this to be true because I grieved for you and I still do. I know it’s a dream but how I wish I did not have to wake up.

Another Year to be Thankful

It’s that time of year again kids. It is the time of year where I blog about things that I am thankful for! WOOOHOOOO! I have so much to be thankful for this year, but like always I will only be focusing on the main things. There has been many changes in my life this year, and I am grateful for many of them. I have had some good days and some bad days, but through it all I have some very special people in my life that I am thankful for.

The first thing I am thankful for is understanding. I have many friends, and all of them have been understanding with me. I joined the rugby team and none of the girls I met have done anything but love and accept me for who I am. I am so thankful I was able to meet people like that. I have friends outside of rugby who have done nothing but love and support me through every high and low point of my year. Even if some of them might have given me major crap for joining the rugby team… I won’t name names, but suffice it to say that I miss this person a ton even if she is sassy! Others of you have let me vent when I needed it and been there to support me regardless of how you felt about the situation. For that I thank you.

The second thing I am thankful for is being an American. I know that sounds silly, but it really isn’t. Last year at this time I was in Italy and I was really sad that I was missing out on Thanksgiving and time spent with my family. I am even more thankful this year that I am an American especially in the wake of the terror attacks in Paris. I am proud to be a citizen of a country that defends freedom and I know that we as a nation will walk hand in hand with the people of the world to defeat evil doing. This year I am thankful that I have my freedom and that I have a home unlike so many that have been fleeing the devastation in their countries. I pray that one day we will all learn to walk this earth as one human race instead of hating what we do not understand.

The third and final thing I am thankful for is my family. Some of you may know that I will soon be getting some additions to my family. I love my family more than life itself and so getting to welcome new members into it could not make me happier. My Dad has the greatest fiancé in the world. She is easily the nicest person I have ever had the pleasure of meeting and if she can stand the crazy she will be a welcome addition. My siblings and I already love her and if you have not met her yet I know you will love her after meeting her too.  I will also be getting two new brothers… I guess Nathan now has some competition for favorite brother, no pressure.  I can already tell that having more members of the family is going to be awesome and even though it is a big change it is one that I fully support.

This year I have much to be thankful for. I am lucky to be where I am and to have all of the blessings that I do. I hope this year we can examine what it is that truly matters to us in our lives and try to better ourselves for the future. Be thankful for all that you have and all that you are, and realize that even though things might seem bleak at certain times in life there is still much to give thanks for.

Faith in Humanity Restored

This semester some of you may or may not know I am taking a theater class. Before anyone gets too excited let me just put a stop to that yyyaaaayyyy!!! you may have been about to scream. This class is a required class, and if there is one thing that we all know about required classes it’s that they are also apparently required to be boring as hell. Shout out to my main pal Jake for suffering through it with me. Anyway, this post only partially deals with my theater class.

In our class we have to go to performances and then write a review on them. If you are familiar with the musical RENT then you won’t be surprised to know that when I missed the performance I was supposed to go to they were sold out for the next one I could make. I was already having a really crappy day… side bar I might have lost my phone somewhere in Ames. Shocking me losing something I know who would have thought. Anyway I was having a crappy day and then I get to the ticket counter to ask if there were any available seats at all. I had to go for my class, or my teacher would have given me an F on the assignment. Not only that, but I really wanted to go because RENT is a great show. The lady said she was sorry and there was nothing she could do the final show had been sold out for a week. It’s RENT, DUH! So with that I turned around and left the building visibly disappointed.

On my way out I got about half way down the side walk when a nice young guy stopped me. He said.” Excuse me miss my mom and my sister are here with me to see RENT and we heard them tell you there were no more tickets. Are you here alone?” I replied saying that I was. He then did the most amazing thing he said the college had given him four tickets instead of three because he is a prospect looking into the theater department, and he offered me the fourth ticket and invited me to sit with his family. Turns out we live in a small world and they were from Cedar Rapids. I never did catch any of their names, but they sat and visited with be before the show started and at intermission. I was so grateful because I got to go to a kick ass show and my faith in humanity might have been restored a little. It really made me realize that it truly does costs nothing to be kind, and sometimes it can make a person’s whole day turn right around.

Let Me Explain

I often have a hard time trusting people and their intentions. I guess part of the problem is me. I have been fooled before into thinking that people are genuine and maybe it is cynical of me to think that people cannot change or will not change. I have yet to meet someone that I trust fully and maybe that is my own fault for not being more open. The thing about it is people often mistake me for being an open book. I like to talk and chat and I have no issues telling people what I think. However, I usually don’t share with people on a deeply personal level. I hold back things that I either cannot say or won’t. I often give people too much room and every time I have done so I end up disappointed. I wanted so badly to be proved wrong. I mistrust people almost immediately truthfully I would like to believe everyone has good intentions, but from my experience I have learned that the people that do are few and far between.

I have accepted the fact that I have trust issues. It is for this reason that sometimes I end up making and ass out of myself. I always assume the worst even if I misunderstood what actually went down because in the past I was given the worst when I expected better. It is easier to shut people out and shut down than to give them the power to hurt you. Never opening up can be just as dangerous. I just want to explain I’m not angry I just know what I have been given in the past and I guess now I expect that from every one. It’s my problem not theirs. I have been through a lot in my 21 years so if you could be patient with me and understand where I am coming from it might make the whole trust thing a lot easier. I hope for better in the future. I hope that someday I will be able to open up to someone fully and let them see all of my demons without fear of retaliation or shame. For now just let me explain why I can’t.

Get Your Shit Together Hillary!

This year is unlike any other year in college. I would go so far as to say it might even be one of the most important years of my life. That’s right kids it is senior year for this girl. Basically that means it is time for me to get my shit together and figure out how to be a functioning member of society, or as the older generation would tell you it’s time for me to become an “ADULT”! GASP! It seems crazy to me that this year is my last year of college and truthfully college flew by faster for me than high school did. It did not come without its trials and tribulations by any means, but it has been an amazing three years leading up to this point in my life. I met many people along the way some were a blessing and others were a lesson, but all in all College was very kind to me.

One thing many people have been asking me lately is what do I want to do with my life? It seems like a harmless enough question. One might even say it’s a conversation starter, or even the bread and butter of a small talk conversation. Hey, we live in Iowa everyone speaks small talk as their second language. So here it is… wait for it… what I want to do with my life. The answer may come as a shock to you, but I really have NO clue. I have some ideas and believe me some of them are more glamourous than others. The real question on my mind though is how the heck I am going to get through this school year without having a nervous melt down/not drown myself in a bottle of pink moscato before the school year has even really started.

I’ve actually been doing quite a lot of thinking on the matter and to be honest I still can’t believe people my age have their lives figured out. Some people are getting married and others have kids already. I can’t even take care of myself let alone an Adult Manchild or even a real child for that matter. Does anyone else see the issue here?! I figure if I have a degree then maybe my chances of taking care of myself in the real world might be a little better. Thinking about dealing with people at work makes me feel a little better, I said a little not a lot!

Have you ever had to deal with a college student at 8 am. No? Well, let me just tell you if you are a morning person like me the looks of death and pure hatred you receive in the morning will be just what you need to chill your ass out and be a lot less perky. In other words when you are dealing with these troll like creatures, lie. Lie so you don’t die! Pretend, Blend, and wait for class to end! No one besides you and the two Asian kids on campus are going to be ready for class to start and no one besides you and the two Asian kids are going to be happy about learning early in the morning, you’re welcome.

So this year I am trying to get my shit together. So far so good, but then again class has just started so who knows how long this false sense of security will actually last. I can honestly say that college has been a blast and I am a little sad that it is coming to an end. All I really know about the future is that I am excited for the school year to get underway, but I’m also kind of freaking out because it is this year, the year of all years that may set the course for the rest of my life. NO PRESSURE! It’s time to get my shit together!

Remember Me

Usually I don’t like to post sad and sappy posts. Most of the time my blog is my space to complain and whine about what’s going on in my life and it mainly talks about college, guys, and just things that annoy me in general. However with Memorial Day just passing I feel like it might be time to sit down and dedicate a post to my Mom. I know that a lot of people still miss her and probably me and my family most of all, but the thing is I don’t think a lot of people quite understand the hole that has been left by her absence. To me it seems like most people think that after a year of losing someone it would be over and done. I could simply just shut it off and move on if I wanted to bad enough. Truthfully I wish that I could, but that is the thing about loss no one really tells you how hard it is until you have to endure it for yourself.

My mom was a giving woman of all the people I know she always tried to make everyone’s day a little bit special in some way. She liked to bake for people when it was their birthday, and I can’t even begin to tell you how many haircuts she gave to family and friends over the years. If she wasn’t watching baseball or softball during the Summer I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t have been able to function properly. But, above all else the one thing that she cherished above all was her family. I was lucky to have this woman raise me for eighteen years because she taught me the value of people and what it meant to try to be a good person. No one is perfect, but if you try your best and give what you can it can have a lasting impact on someone’s life whether you know it or not.

I guess looking at it in this way made me realize that I was at the time not living my life the way I wanted to. After the first year of grief I took a long hard look in the mirror, and I did not like what I saw. I realized that other people’s opinion of you doesn’t matter, but your opinion of yourself does. Truthfully as dramatic as it sounds the person I once was died when she did. Nothing is ever the same after you suffer a loss. You will once again find some semblance of normalcy, but life as you knew it will never be the same again. Sometimes it might be for the better, but other times it might be for the worst.

The fourth of July was definitely my Mom’s favorite. Almost every year we went to Watkins to watch the Mud Hens play the Norway Bandits and to watch the fireworks after the game. This was the last family event we went to before her passing. It was actually one week before the accident. To this day the fourth of July remains a bittersweet time of year for me. Summer in general is really a bitter sweet time of year. I have some of the best memories from the summer’s I spent on the ball field and the ridiculous family vacations we always went on. In case you weren’t aware my mom hated going on vacation she was a homebody by nature, and you couldn’t pay her enough to get on a plane. What can I say like mother like daughter I hate to fly! Sometimes it’s the best memories and the little things that set you off and make you sad. Summer was a special time of year for us and in some ways I hate it now because it reminds me so much of the things that once were.

I learned a lot from my mom she taught me to give to other people and if you nothing to give then to give yourself. She helped me to develop my own love of baseball and softball season, and it is still one of my favorite parts of summer. She really was my best friend and confidant and that hole that no one can really fill. I learned what it meant to be your own person and to be strong in the face of adversity. I never thought that I’d have to live without her in my life at such a young age, but with time I have learned that sometimes you have no choice but to carry on. It’s not just for yourself but for the living as well as the dead that you have to keep going on. But most of all she has shown me that to be remembered by people for the good that you do is the highest honor a person can receive.