Get Your Shit Together Hillary!

This year is unlike any other year in college. I would go so far as to say it might even be one of the most important years of my life. That’s right kids it is senior year for this girl. Basically that means it is time for me to get my shit together and figure out how to be a functioning member of society, or as the older generation would tell you it’s time for me to become an “ADULT”! GASP! It seems crazy to me that this year is my last year of college and truthfully college flew by faster for me than high school did. It did not come without its trials and tribulations by any means, but it has been an amazing three years leading up to this point in my life. I met many people along the way some were a blessing and others were a lesson, but all in all College was very kind to me.

One thing many people have been asking me lately is what do I want to do with my life? It seems like a harmless enough question. One might even say it’s a conversation starter, or even the bread and butter of a small talk conversation. Hey, we live in Iowa everyone speaks small talk as their second language. So here it is… wait for it… what I want to do with my life. The answer may come as a shock to you, but I really have NO clue. I have some ideas and believe me some of them are more glamourous than others. The real question on my mind though is how the heck I am going to get through this school year without having a nervous melt down/not drown myself in a bottle of pink moscato before the school year has even really started.

I’ve actually been doing quite a lot of thinking on the matter and to be honest I still can’t believe people my age have their lives figured out. Some people are getting married and others have kids already. I can’t even take care of myself let alone an Adult Manchild or even a real child for that matter. Does anyone else see the issue here?! I figure if I have a degree then maybe my chances of taking care of myself in the real world might be a little better. Thinking about dealing with people at work makes me feel a little better, I said a little not a lot!

Have you ever had to deal with a college student at 8 am. No? Well, let me just tell you if you are a morning person like me the looks of death and pure hatred you receive in the morning will be just what you need to chill your ass out and be a lot less perky. In other words when you are dealing with these troll like creatures, lie. Lie so you don’t die! Pretend, Blend, and wait for class to end! No one besides you and the two Asian kids on campus are going to be ready for class to start and no one besides you and the two Asian kids are going to be happy about learning early in the morning, you’re welcome.

So this year I am trying to get my shit together. So far so good, but then again class has just started so who knows how long this false sense of security will actually last. I can honestly say that college has been a blast and I am a little sad that it is coming to an end. All I really know about the future is that I am excited for the school year to get underway, but I’m also kind of freaking out because it is this year, the year of all years that may set the course for the rest of my life. NO PRESSURE! It’s time to get my shit together!

Remember Me

Usually I don’t like to post sad and sappy posts. Most of the time my blog is my space to complain and whine about what’s going on in my life and it mainly talks about college, guys, and just things that annoy me in general. However with Memorial Day just passing I feel like it might be time to sit down and dedicate a post to my Mom. I know that a lot of people still miss her and probably me and my family most of all, but the thing is I don’t think a lot of people quite understand the hole that has been left by her absence. To me it seems like most people think that after a year of losing someone it would be over and done. I could simply just shut it off and move on if I wanted to bad enough. Truthfully I wish that I could, but that is the thing about loss no one really tells you how hard it is until you have to endure it for yourself.

My mom was a giving woman of all the people I know she always tried to make everyone’s day a little bit special in some way. She liked to bake for people when it was their birthday, and I can’t even begin to tell you how many haircuts she gave to family and friends over the years. If she wasn’t watching baseball or softball during the Summer I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t have been able to function properly. But, above all else the one thing that she cherished above all was her family. I was lucky to have this woman raise me for eighteen years because she taught me the value of people and what it meant to try to be a good person. No one is perfect, but if you try your best and give what you can it can have a lasting impact on someone’s life whether you know it or not.

I guess looking at it in this way made me realize that I was at the time not living my life the way I wanted to. After the first year of grief I took a long hard look in the mirror, and I did not like what I saw. I realized that other people’s opinion of you doesn’t matter, but your opinion of yourself does. Truthfully as dramatic as it sounds the person I once was died when she did. Nothing is ever the same after you suffer a loss. You will once again find some semblance of normalcy, but life as you knew it will never be the same again. Sometimes it might be for the better, but other times it might be for the worst.

The fourth of July was definitely my Mom’s favorite. Almost every year we went to Watkins to watch the Mud Hens play the Norway Bandits and to watch the fireworks after the game. This was the last family event we went to before her passing. It was actually one week before the accident. To this day the fourth of July remains a bittersweet time of year for me. Summer in general is really a bitter sweet time of year. I have some of the best memories from the summer’s I spent on the ball field and the ridiculous family vacations we always went on. In case you weren’t aware my mom hated going on vacation she was a homebody by nature, and you couldn’t pay her enough to get on a plane. What can I say like mother like daughter I hate to fly! Sometimes it’s the best memories and the little things that set you off and make you sad. Summer was a special time of year for us and in some ways I hate it now because it reminds me so much of the things that once were.

I learned a lot from my mom she taught me to give to other people and if you nothing to give then to give yourself. She helped me to develop my own love of baseball and softball season, and it is still one of my favorite parts of summer. She really was my best friend and confidant and that hole that no one can really fill. I learned what it meant to be your own person and to be strong in the face of adversity. I never thought that I’d have to live without her in my life at such a young age, but with time I have learned that sometimes you have no choice but to carry on. It’s not just for yourself but for the living as well as the dead that you have to keep going on. But most of all she has shown me that to be remembered by people for the good that you do is the highest honor a person can receive.

169

Perfectly Miserable

This week has been perfectly miserable. For those of you that don’t want to join in the pity party I am about to throw myself please feel free to exit this post now, but if you are in the mood to sit and wallow in my crap with me please read on because have I got a treat for you. I guess it’s times like these that I really just need to blog to get it off my chest so that it doesn’t eat me alive because trust me I am a professional when it comes to wallowing in self-pity, and I am willing to bet that many of us are so here goes nothing. Let’s start with Monday!

Monday some of you may argue is already miserable, HELLO HILLARY! However, I think this week was a really special Monday because it happened to be crappier than usual. I found out that something I have invested in for the past two or so months has literally just been a colossal waste of my time and energy. Pretty much anytime I try to pursue any form of a relationship it turns into a relationshit real damn fast and that isn’t even a joke. Even if it is still kind of funny. As usual my expectations were clearly proven to be too high. LIFE: 5 HILLARY: 0

Tuesday was fine other than the fact that my Bender boyfriend and I finally broke up due to the lovely parking ticket on my car windshield, fun fact I park by the RLC and call him my boyfriend because I was getting away with parking there for at least two or three months without a ticket, but what do you know my kill streak has finally ended. Wednesday was nice when I was in the bathroom from three in the morning until six dealing with the “EBOLA” or as most of you call it the stomach flu. I spent most of the day in bed and had to call into work. Bless my beautiful friends for getting me medicine and sick supplies, Whitney Broghammer comes in clutch yet again. Shannon Fynardt also brought me Advil so shout out to her as well.

By Thursday I thought I was in the clear, lol just kidding. I came out of the gym Thursday to another parking ticket because I had literally parked one row back from where I should have. Apparently my sense of surroundings and direction still hasn’t improved. I felt like crap all of Thursday night and to be honest it was just one of those times where you are miserable and you really just want your mom and that was a really crappy reality check that I had to face. I called some people and they listened to my mental breakdown instead so all in all I made it through that hiccup.

Friday wasn’t bad and I had a fun night out with my girls to dinner and then later tried to hit the hill which was a major shit show if you know what I mean. There were so many people that my friend and I decided to just go chill at her boyfriend’s place instead of dealing with all the drunken masses. Tonight I did homework for most of my night because I gave away my Jason Aldean concert tickets to friends that were bigger fans. I only bought them as an excuse really to hang out with a frat boy so really I guess in some ways it kind of worked out. At least someone got to go and have a fun night. So here I am at practically the end of the week and the only thing that really has me excited is the fact that in exactly one month I turn the big 21! Which to me is kind of sad that that’s the highlight of my week but hey what are you going to do.

So I had a perfectly miserable week, but as it turns out the people in my life are pretty great and they picked me right up. Its times like this that I realize how truly blessed I am to have the people in my life that I do. This week was definitely one of my worst, and they took it in stride which is a lot to ask. One of my friends comes home for Easter this coming week from Michigan so it will be fun to finally get to catch up and do it right. I know that life isn’t always flowers and sunshine, but man do I really hope next week is. Here’s looking forward to a better week. As always stay golden and know that if you ever want someone to wallow in self- pity with you I’m your girl.

The Later Girl

A lot of things in life that we consider to be great come later. We say that good things come to those who wait, or don’t wish for it wait for it and the right things will eventually come to be. Well, I call BS on the whole thing. In reality waiting around doesn’t get you very far. Waiting to lose weight, waiting for a guy to like you, and even waiting for an apology can be things that we will never see happen if we don’t take the initiative to make them possible. With where I am at in my life right now it always seem like impending adult responsibility is just waiting to kick my ass. I know a lot of people are freaked out about the future, but as it turns out I am not one of those fools. I know what I want out of life and I know that hard work is going to be the thing that gets me there, but that doesn’t stop me from ranting about stupid people on my blog now does it?!

I guess I am tired of being treated like a second option to people I put first. I don’t appreciate being put on the back burner. It’s like people seem to think that they can apologize to me later for being a crappy friend, date me later because I’m not one of those girls looking for Mr. Right NOW, or even get in touch with me later because honestly I’m just here to cater to other people and their whims. If you thought any of that was true you really don’t know me very well. I’m to the point where I don’t have time for meaningless crap in my life. I don’t want to be toyed with or used for my friendship or just in general. To these people I am the “Later Girl”. I am that one that will always be there waiting because that’s just what I do, wait for people to make time for me. I wait until it is convenient for them to decide they really want me to be there for them or vise versa.

Don’t get me wrong I will wait all day if I see potential. If I know that I am not just wasting my time I will put I the extra time it takes to make it work. Being a “Later Girl” sucks because I know that people mentally set me aside for when its convenient for them. To most men I am not a dateable option for this reason. I don’t care on that score, to be honest dating someone just to have someone there is stupid. It cheapens the real deal and when you have the real deal you put in the extra time it takes to make sure it is right.

Here’s the thing, for some people setting me aside for later might work for you, but I never said that it worked for me. I am not someone to be exploited for personal gain. Realize that I am not an object for you to use I am a person with value and feelings a concept many seem to have lost over time. I don’t have to wait around for things to happen I can make things happen in my life if I want them to. You can save me for later, but that doesn’t mean I have to save you for later. Sometimes that ship has sailed.

Unrealistic

The internet has made many things unrealistic. Everyday we see things that make us think the world is one way and then we end up realizing it is not completely true. One of the things that has been severely affected by the internet is expectations. The ones that we have for ourselves and for other people are now at an all time high. In some ways we have created this ideal world where everything is perfect, our lives are perfect, our bodies must be perfect, and our love life has to be perfect. Perfect doesn’t exist! I am tired of people thinking that it does and being held up next to something that doesn’t exist. This world that I am now being forced to be apart of is not real. It is unrealistic for anyone to think of me in that way.

I don’t always say the right things in real life. My body is not perfect and while it’s still a work in progress it will never be the ideal shape that everyone thinks it should be. Sorry I am human and this was how I was made. I can work hard and try everything possible to look my best, but at the end of the day me being a size two, having six pack abs, and a full bust will probably never be a thing. Stretch marks on the other hand seem to be a common trait for many of us. I wouldn’t want to look like a barbie anyway because that isn’t who I am anyway. I have goals that I want to accomplish. For instance I want to run a marathon so I am trying to start cutting some of the weight that I gained in Europe, but I know that I don’t have to look like a super model to be strong.

My love life doesn’t exist currently, but if it did I don’t think it would look the way that girls try to make it out to be on the internet. I don’t want someone that kisses the ground beneath my feet. When did men become doormats that only exist to buy us gifts? I must have missed that lesson in school or something because last time I checked they don’t notice anything and they don’t care. They never notice hints no matter how many you leave them. You spend all of your time and energy waiting for this perfect guy, one that will buy you a pair of Nike’s and write you the perfect note, but we all know that those girls bought themselves shoes and then wrote that note,  no guy has handwriting that good sorry.

It’s frustrating because these girls that have these expectations are the ones that continuously ruin it for the rest of us. I don’t expect a guy I date to be perfect I’m flawed so why shouldn’t he be. He doesn’t have to have the perfect body, or always say the perfect thing, and he definitely doesn’t have to worship at my feet, all  of the time, but knowing that someone cared about me as much as I did about them is what is truly important. I think this is why people feel the need to talk to more than one person at once. The girls that talk to five guys at once always make me mad. Friend zoned or not you are giving most of those guys the expectation that you are talking to only them, and that they matter to you as much as you might to them. I know that guys do this too, but I don’t see the point of focusing your energies on more than one person. If I want to get to know someone and truly get to know them I think they should have my undivided attention or none at all. it’s unfair to make them think otherwise.

Sometimes I think people forget what reality really is. I guess I am just sick of people wanting perfection because I know that it doesn’t exist. So as usual I am going to give my advice even if you don’t want to hear it. Your body is beautiful no matter what size you are. Don’t be content with your body if you don’t love it do something about it, but don’t hate yourself for now having six pack abs. In my personal experience only the freaks of nature can eat what they want and never gain weight. Most of us aren’t them so cut yourself some slack once in awhile. No guy actually cares if you get all dressed up to see them, you have to dress up for yourself or no one at all. It doesn’t matter if you have feelings for someone if they don’t for you, you will just end up disappointed if you dwell on it. Don’t dwell on it be friends and if it’s meant to be it will be. Know that guys have it just as rough as girls. Some of us have set unrealistic expectations for them and most of them will probably never measure up. If such a guy exists that kisses your butt and he’s “PERFECT” well he sounds like a pussy and I don’t want to meet him anyway.

Life is messy, it’s not perfect if you live it to the fullest it can be the scariest and greatest journey that any of us have ever been on.There will be bumps in the road. No road worth traveling is ever smooth and easy to travel upon. I guess you could say that life as tragic as it is beautiful truly is REALISTIC.

Call me Maybe

When I can’t quit dwelling I know that it is time to blog it out. This week is no exception, but my topic may be a little different than my European adventures. Instead I am going to write about my girly ones. The one thing that I have noticed about myself is I always manage to mess up social situations between myself and the opposite sex. I usually refer to this melodrama as “Being a Girl”. Most girls flip out over every little thing that guys do, and I have definitely been in their shoes. I am not sure why we feel the need to flip out about everything because chances are the guys either haven’t noticed or don’t really care. To be fair though life would be so much easier if they would just pick up on the “HINTS” that girls leave and save us all the trouble of freaking out. It’s times like now that I really hate living in the decade that I do. What is the deal with couples being a “Thing”? NO! If you are a thing with someone you’re basically dating just call it what it is. I also have found that while I can’t vouch for every girl I know most of us are masters at over analyzing the crap out of everything.

It’s still weird trying to figure out how to navigate this whole college thing. I have never really been in a serious relationship and usually I don’t care, and in many ways I still really don’t. It really just kills me that I can’t figure out how to flirt with poise and dignity. I always manage to make it awkward or boring or God forbid both. I absolutely hate to text people. I really don’t know how to social media. If it weren’t so embarrassing it would almost be funny. I never can quite make myself not talk about books, politics, nerdy things, and in general any topic that completely turns people off. The last party I went to people thought my cousin and I were trying to become a thing because I can’t talk to people that I’m not related to without going full on tard or insulting them in some way. Shout out to my main gal pal MARTHA! However, this doesn’t change the fact that I am still a disappointment to the way’s of 2015. Why are there so many rules? I don’t even understand half of them, and I’m a communications major that’s a little sad.

I guess what I’m trying to say is college hasn’t really taught me how to be normal. I am still socially awkward and even though I’m not shy, I’m also not good with words. I wish it could be like the eighties where people had to actually talk on the phone and go out on dates to get to know each other. The whole concept of texting someone seems like a foreign language to me. I never know if what I am saying is being read in the correct tone of voice that I meant it to be read in, or if people even get my awkward sense of humor, most of the time they don’t. I’m going full on girl and someone should just save me from myself. I guess what I’m trying to say is “Call me Maybe”.

I’m Back Baby

As many of you may know I am finally back home. I meant to blog sooner, but with the holidays keeping me so busy I haven’t really had the time to sit down and write. There are many things that I have noticed since I have returned to the United States that may actually surprise some of you. It’s strange because before I never would have noticed any of these things. I am really loving being home, but I am starting to miss Europe already, and I can’t wait to one day go back and see how much everything has changed since I left.

One thing that I noticed is that here in the U.S. we don’t really conserve energy. I don’t know if it is because we think we don’t have to because we have so many natural resources or what the deal is, but I have been extremely annoyed that there are no recycling bins next to the trash cans here. That alone would conserve so much and we aren’t doing it. In some ways I think that Europe has changed my outlook on some things and strengthened my resolve in other areas. I have never really thought about recycling before, but there they have recycling bins next to the trash cans in every public place. So say I bought a water bottle I could then recycle it instead of throwing it away. That isn’t the only thing.

Perhaps the greatest invention man has ever made has been making my life ten times easier since I have returned. That invention, the drier. It is so nice not to have to hang dry absolutely all of my clothing. I know it seems dumb but I have never been more thankful to have dry clothes in thirty minutes. Not that I dry all of my clothing, but not having to hang dry my socks has been amazing. That is one thing I do not miss about being abroad.

Another thing that has really been fun for me is to rediscover the American culture. The holidays were filled with amazing food and of course tons of Christmas movies! It’s great to be home and to see friends both old and new. I am getting antsy to get back to UNI and start the Spring semester. For now I am enjoying the rest of break by spending time binge watching Netflix and of course being a book worm. Here’s to 2015 being a great New Year.