Usually I don’t like to post sad and sappy posts. Most of the time my blog is my space to complain and whine about what’s going on in my life and it mainly talks about college, guys, and just things that annoy me in general. However with Memorial Day just passing I feel like it might be time to sit down and dedicate a post to my Mom. I know that a lot of people still miss her and probably me and my family most of all, but the thing is I don’t think a lot of people quite understand the hole that has been left by her absence. To me it seems like most people think that after a year of losing someone it would be over and done. I could simply just shut it off and move on if I wanted to bad enough. Truthfully I wish that I could, but that is the thing about loss no one really tells you how hard it is until you have to endure it for yourself.
My mom was a giving woman of all the people I know she always tried to make everyone’s day a little bit special in some way. She liked to bake for people when it was their birthday, and I can’t even begin to tell you how many haircuts she gave to family and friends over the years. If she wasn’t watching baseball or softball during the Summer I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t have been able to function properly. But, above all else the one thing that she cherished above all was her family. I was lucky to have this woman raise me for eighteen years because she taught me the value of people and what it meant to try to be a good person. No one is perfect, but if you try your best and give what you can it can have a lasting impact on someone’s life whether you know it or not.
I guess looking at it in this way made me realize that I was at the time not living my life the way I wanted to. After the first year of grief I took a long hard look in the mirror, and I did not like what I saw. I realized that other people’s opinion of you doesn’t matter, but your opinion of yourself does. Truthfully as dramatic as it sounds the person I once was died when she did. Nothing is ever the same after you suffer a loss. You will once again find some semblance of normalcy, but life as you knew it will never be the same again. Sometimes it might be for the better, but other times it might be for the worst.
The fourth of July was definitely my Mom’s favorite. Almost every year we went to Watkins to watch the Mud Hens play the Norway Bandits and to watch the fireworks after the game. This was the last family event we went to before her passing. It was actually one week before the accident. To this day the fourth of July remains a bittersweet time of year for me. Summer in general is really a bitter sweet time of year. I have some of the best memories from the summer’s I spent on the ball field and the ridiculous family vacations we always went on. In case you weren’t aware my mom hated going on vacation she was a homebody by nature, and you couldn’t pay her enough to get on a plane. What can I say like mother like daughter I hate to fly! Sometimes it’s the best memories and the little things that set you off and make you sad. Summer was a special time of year for us and in some ways I hate it now because it reminds me so much of the things that once were.
I learned a lot from my mom she taught me to give to other people and if you nothing to give then to give yourself. She helped me to develop my own love of baseball and softball season, and it is still one of my favorite parts of summer. She really was my best friend and confidant and that hole that no one can really fill. I learned what it meant to be your own person and to be strong in the face of adversity. I never thought that I’d have to live without her in my life at such a young age, but with time I have learned that sometimes you have no choice but to carry on. It’s not just for yourself but for the living as well as the dead that you have to keep going on. But most of all she has shown me that to be remembered by people for the good that you do is the highest honor a person can receive.