The Beginning of the End

If you weren’t aware of this I guess now some of you will be. I suffer from terrible anxiety. Not only have I been extremely homesick I have also been overly anxious. I have to take medicine for it, and since I have been in Italy I have been having problems with it. I have been having trouble with it for quite some time so instead of worrying and fussing, I decided it was time for me to sit down and blog it out. It’s really hard for most people to understand that don’t suffer from it. It’s kind of similar to depression because if you haven’t been in the shoes of that person that is feeling this way you really have no idea what they are going through.There are many things that can mess with it and trigger a panic attack, some of which might surprise you. Basically as soon as I get home I am going to enjoy a lot of caffeine and a trip to the chiropractor.  At times it can be hard for people to relate to me and me to them because they just don’t understand why I seem to be acting so crazy. Trust me if I could hide the crazy I would.

It isn’t that I don’t like Italy. Actually it is quite the opposite I really love it, but it isn’t home and it is for that reason that I seem to be a ball of nerves. It has only gotten worse since we came back from break too. As fast as the time seems to be flying by it also seems to be going at a snails pace. Which makes me feel like I am stuck at the beginning even though it is about at an end. Every day I wake up I just keep wishing it was in my own bed with my own pillow and not in a foreign country. Study abroad is great, but it does not come without it’s trials. It has been the scariest and hardest thing that I have ever done. Yes, I am exceeding lucky to have been able to take this opportunity and use it to the best of my ability. However, that doesn’t stop me from missing what’s familiar and close to my heart. Being away from my family has been the worst part of all of this as well as being away from my friends. In case you didn’t know they are all pretty amazing people.

This week it seems to be eating at me more than usual. I have been taking a class that I don’t really like that much, but it is a good thing that I am in it because I am learning a lot. It just seems to not be as good of a distraction as I would like it to be. I still have a few places to travel to so that should offer a little relief, but I know that until the day comes that I am packing my bags and heading out the door to be reunited with my family I am just going to have to deal with a little craziness. It isn’t like I’m not managing, but it is still hard to do even though I’m almost done with the semester. I should probably stop counting the days because that only seems to make it worse. I don’t know how else to cope with it I suppose.

The one thing I really wanted to accomplish by writing this was to tell people that they are not the only ones that suffer from anxiety, and that just because you do it does not mean that you can’t do something crazy like study abroad for a semester. I also want people to understand that I’m not complaining about Italy and studying abroad. I am not venting because I hate it here so much that I feel it is necessary to write about all of the crap, no. I just want people to understand that it is hard for me to be outside of my comfort zone. I don’t like to feel uncomfortable, and I’m pretty sure that no one really does. But, I am sticking it out. I am trying whether it looks like it or not. So bear with me and try to understand that I am slightly deranged. It isn’t your fault that you think I’m crazy just like it isn’t anymore my fault that I have bad anxiety that occasionally causes me to go cuckoo. It’s the beginning of the end of the semester, and for me accepting it as such is the first step to feeling better.


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