If I was going to tell you the truth I would say this, what you did could have killed me inside, but I didn’t let you win. If I was going to tell the truth, I would tell you that being alone does not hurt as bad as when someone doesn’t return your same feelings. If I was going to tell you the truth, I would tell you that it hurt like hell to have most of the people I trusted betray my trust in them. If I was going to tell you the truth, I would tell you that I regret it all, but you know what, when it comes down to it I would rather lie.
I would rather tell myself I am okay, because maybe if I do it often enough it will start to be true. Maybe if I would have seen him for what he really was, from the beginning I would not have been trapped in an unhappy relationship for longer than a week. If we are being honest that is how fast it took me to realize I had made a mistake, admitting it to myself and everyone else took a lot longer than a week. Forgiving him well that still is a work in progress.
I would rather ignore the fact that I care for someone who is in love with someone else, and he probably always will be. I don’t pretend to know why I can’t let it go, but for some unknown reason I can never see myself as being good enough. I am not alone because I have to be I am alone because I want to be. No one will ever fill the void until I decide to let it heal. Right now stuck in Iowa, stuck in college, just stuck in general, it is not going to heal until I am long gone.
I would rather pretend we are still friends than tell everyone the truth. Most of the people that I considered my friends screwed me over. They stopped talking to me or they decided it would be easier to hate me rather than actually be there for me. High school is long over and I am not the girl I once was. Which means that I no longer have to take anyone’s shit especially theirs. I have two truly good friends and that is more than a lot of people can say.
It is interesting to realize how much we lie to ourselves and others on a regular basis. As women we think it makes us weak to admit that we are hurting. I know because I am just as guilty of it as the rest of our sex. We don’t have to be “FINE” all the time. I might tell you I am, but if you are truly my friend you know me better than that. In fact you know me better than I even know myself, and it is for that reason that you know I am lying to you and to myself.
As women we have gotten very good at lying. Maybe we do it to protect the ones we love. We don’t want them to see us in pain because it causes them pain. But you know something, in life we all fall down. We all feel sadness. We have all loved someone who didn’t really care, and we have all put our trust in those who did not deserve it in the first place. No one has ever made it out of life without a few scars. No one’s life is truly perfect even if it may look that way to us. We are all fighting different battles not just with other people, but we are also fighting against ourselves.
It is in our nature to dislike pain, so instead we choose to ignore it, try to fill the void with other things, and instead of going through the steps to make ourselves better we try to make things as easy as possible. We make excuses for ourselves and for others. Bottom line there is no excuse. You should have been smarter, you could have told them how you really felt all along, and you should have said goodbye to the people that weighed you down long ago.
Eventually you will decide to stop wallowing in self-pity. You will stand up and decide to live for yourself. You will understand that life is a constant fight and sometimes we fall down. It is not always fair and things don’t always happen in a neat and tidy way. It is messy, it is painful, and sometimes it seems impossible. It is not, because anything in life is possible if you are willing to work for it and let go of the things that you let hurt you. The only person that has the power to truly destroy you is you. If you are willing to give it all you have and then some you will not fail. We all fall down, it is those who get back up that are truly living.